Enduring Love
by awakeningjenny
Summary: A Peyton centric story focusing on her relationship with Nathan and Lucas. Original OTH triangle with a twist. "I must have done something spectacularly bad in a previous life to deserve this. Or maybe I just haven't been the best person in this life."
1. Enduring Love

_**Enduring Love. **_

_I must have done something spectacularly bad in a previous life to deserve this. Or maybe I just haven't been the best person in__this life._

_I'm sorry, Lucas. _I can't meet his eyes, he reaches out to me and I flinch. The smell of sex hangs in the room, a sordid reminder of what we've just done. He cups my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. I can't look at him for long. He searches my eyes as if looking for something, something he isn't going to find. We're over. It wasn't going to work. I can't exchange one brother for another, as much as I wanted to. My phone beeps. _Nathan. _I turn away as I answer it, always aware that Lucas is watching me. As I promise to meet Nathan after the game, the guilt of where I am seems to seep through into my voice but Nathan's oblivious. Lucas is still watching me. _I can't do this anymore. _His heart is breaking before me and I'm powerless to stop it.

Nathan and I didn't start out as anything serious. The Cheerleader and the Jock. It was almost too cliche to work. But it did work, for a while. We'd go out with Brooke and whoever she was seeing that weekend, we'd take a boat or drive - long days at the beach. Brooke and I would sunbathe, watching as the boys built a beach fire before we'd be dragged up to watch some sort of sporting activity that Nathan would always win. It was one of these times when I first realised that I loved him. As in heart stopping, palms sweating, breath racing love. I don't know why it happened, or even really how, but somehow we'd gone from the school's biggest cliche to a couple in love. Brooke told me it was obvious to see. The sweet glances, the way his hand would curl around mine as we'd walk down the school hallway; the way he'd pull me too him as we'd sit for lunch. Letting me feed him things from my plate with the basketball team in view. We were Peyton and Nathan, _Nathan and Peyton_, and I didn't think anything could ever change that.

How wrong I was. Things started to change just before Junior year. He'd blow me off with some lame excuse about homework or his Dad. I'd find out from somebody at school the next day that he was out with the team. It was as if there were two Nathans. The sweet boy I'd fallen in love with who held my hand and kissed my forehead and the beast Nathan. Star player for the Tree Hill Ravens. Constant flirt with anything female that had a pulse. So, we started to row, big screaming matches, mostly at the parties he'd throw in his parent's beach house. I'd watch as he'd flirt with Bevin, or Theresa, or Amber, as I'd get angrier and angrier until he'd stagger over to me smirking. Those parties were some of the worst times of my life. So we'd row. And break up. Until sweet Nathan appeared at my bedroom door the next morning full of contrition. I forgave him but it was as if he'd broken a small part of me each time. _I just didn't know how I was supposed to put myself back together again._

Lucas knocks on my bedroom door. I don't stop drawing. I can't look at him because if I do, I know I'm going to want to kiss him. He perches on the bed, watching as I draw a strip. _Peyton... _I pause and he takes that as a sign to start talking. He can't be here. I will him to leave before I do something stupid - more stupid than sleeping with him while seeing his brother. More stupid than falling in love with him, while still being in love with Nathan. More stupid than him deciding that Brooke is a good enough Peyton substitue for the time being. _My best friend. _Brooke was the only one who knew about Lucas and I. She was hesitant when she brought up Lucas. I told her it was fine. That there wasn't anybody else I'd rather he be with than her. _I lied. _Lucas says my name and I realise I've no idea what he's said. My pen traces the word _torn_ over and over again on the strip. The tears begin when he leaves.

They're walking down the hallway towards me, holding hands and looking to the world as if they're a couple in love. Like a beautiful couple from an advert. Like Nathan and I a year ago. He pauses when he sees me but Brooke tugs him over. We exchange embarrased smiles before I make some excuse about work and Nathan and why I can't stay. All the while we're nodding and smiling and I'm cracking inside. I don't get three feet before I feel the earth rushing up to meet me and everything goes dark.

The Doctor's room is chill and Brooke's holding my hand tightly. Passing out in school is pretty high on my embarrassment scale. Lucas caught me before I hit the floor. I was at least saved the embarrassment of sprawling face down with half the school watching. Brooke murmers something about checking on Lucas and I watch as she leaves. Then there's nothing to do but wait. I know something's wrong when the Doctor re-enter's the room. She refuses to look me in the eye, instead she focuses on shuffling her papers and calling me _Miss Sawyer. _She pauses for a moment and then looks directly at me._You're pregnant, Miss Sawyer. _The world seemed to stop for an instant. It's an impossibility. It can't be real but I can tell by the concerned look she's giving me that I'm a seventeen year old junior that's been knocked up. I manage to ask how far along I am. _3 months._ Something has been growing inside of me for 3 months and I didn't have any idea. I think I start to laugh; hysterical laughter that quickly turns into tears. I'm going to be a mother.

Lucas and Brooke drop me off at my house. They're concerned and worried and I just want to be alone. They don't know why I fainted. They don't know anything. I let myself into the house, closing the door softly behind me, it's all I can manage before slumping to the floor. My life's turned into a nightmare. _I don't know who the father is. _I was protected with both. We were always so careful. They had no intention of being the next Dan. I didn't have any intention of being a high school mother. I'm watching my future crumble in front of me and I can't do anything about it.

Brooke calls continuously. I've locked my front door. I know she'll be worried. I know Lucas will be worried. But I don't care. _I don't know what to do_. When I'm not sleeping, I cry. The banging on my front door pulls me from sleep and I tense. It'll be Lucas, or Brooke or it might even be Nathan. We might not be the couple we once were but even he's bound to notice that I'm not around lately. He shouts my name. _It's Nathan. _The pounding on the door is putting my teeth on edge, each sound vibrating through me. I can't do anything else but open the door, he won't leave until I do. Nathan's more stubborn than I am. He looks at me in shock when I finally open the door, instantly making me defensive. I can't meet his eye. How can I tell him that I might be carrying his child? That even though we were so extra careful he might be in a worse position than even Dan was? Dan must have loved Karen, I'm not sure that Nathan loves me.

He pushes his way into the house, grimacing at the mess, before heading to the kitchen. I follow him slowly to find that he's looking for something. Coffee. I tell him we're out, coffee is the last thing on my mind. He asks me if I'd mind telling him what's going on; why haven't I been to school for the past two days and why is Brooke wandering around in a constant state of panic because I won't talk to her? I didn't mean to put her though this. I didn't mean any of this. Nathan's waiting for me to answer him. He looks angry and worried and my heart contracts for him. He might not love me but he does care about me. _I'm pregnant, _I whisper.

I told him and for a moment there I thought he was going to laugh. As if this would be some elaborate April Fool in the middle of January. Sure. _Nathan... _I'm hesitant about walking towards him but I do. He looks like he's been punched. Or as if he's just been told he's only got one day left to live. I try to take his hand but he shakes me off. I watch as he starts to pace the kitchen. I'm worried for him but at this moment I'm more worried for myself. He could be the next Dan, I'm not sure if I want to be the next Karen. _He's crying. He's breaking my heart._ Nathan. My first everthing. I wish I could take it all back. I sit down, watching him pace, and I want to cry again. Keep it together, Sawyer. _When did you find out? _It's nothing more than a whisper. _I'm sorry_, I say, and he slumps into the chair opposite. _2 days. _Two of the longest days of my life. Where do we go from here?


	2. Between The Bars

I shouldn't have told him. I wish I hadn't told him. I watch him as he sleeps. He looks worried even in sleep. As if he can't escape this even in his dreams. How could I have told him, when I'm not even sure that it's his. He moans slightly, turning over, and I want nothing more than to join him. For Nathan to pull me into his arms and tell me how much he loves me. That it'll all be ok and we'll make this work. We won't end up fighting all the time. We won't end up as a couple that hates each other but tries to stay together for the child. We won't be Karen and Dan version two. _Hey..._ I flinch as I realise he's awake, propped up on his elbows. I'm suddenly shy, which is ridiculous. want to ask him to make this all ok_. _I need him to reassure me but he's just a boy and I'm just a girl and we're not ready for any of this. He pulls the covers back in invitation. As I crawl into bed with him, he pulls me into his side. I start to cry as he softly tells me _it'll all be ok_, over and over. I don't believe him.

School has never looked less inviting. Nathan sits with me in my car as I stare at the entrance. He takes my hand and squeezes it gently, smiling at me. _It's now or... now, Peyt. _I'm glad he didn't say 'never' because I may have taken him up on that. What do you need an education for anyway, I doubt I'll be able to go to collage, seeing as I'm now plus one. I'd rather go home and pull the covers over my head while pretending that the big bad world isn't out there. For a couple of hours anyway. As Nathan opens his door, I see her. Brooke. She doesn't look happy. The only good thing I can see is that she appears to be without Lucas. I watch as she marches over to my car looking furious. I'm tempted to lock the door just in case but before I can she wrenches it open.

_Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer! _Her cry echoes around the mostly empty car park. She glares at me, her arms crossed in front of her chest. I falter for a moment. How am I supposed to explain? Nathan takes this as his cue to shuffle out of the car, throwing me a glance that I'm sure was supposed to be reassuring but somehow isn't and then he strides off towards the entrance. Leaving me. With Brooke. _Brooke... I'm pregnant. _This isn't getting any easier. I watch as her face falls, she's stunned. I get out of the car slowly. We're facing each other and she still hasn't said anything. _Oh, P. Sawyer. _I'm in her arms and she's gripping me tightly. I'm crying and she's rocking me. I could have picked a better place to have this discussion than the entrance to school but somehow I can't seem to care that there are people watching me have an emotional breakdown.

We miss school that day. I sent Nathan a message letting him know I was going to Brooke's and he shouldn't worry. We're sitting on her bed, watching _Gone with the Wind_ and it's comfortable. Like every other day we're cut school to just hang out together. Except this time what I'm dealing with can't be helped with a film and a bag of popcorn. She's watching me out of the corner of her eye, her hands fidgeting on her lap. _What? _She jumps slightly as I speak and unconvincingly plasters a bright smile on her face. _Nothing_, she says, still smiling. I study her for a moment wondering whether I should push the issue but before I can say anything else she startles me by jumping off the couch and whirling to face me, hands on hips. _Whose is it? _I play dumb for a moment, watching as she starts to get a little bit flustered with me just staring at her. Davis was always good with the dramatics when they got an instant reaction, leave her for more than a minute without saying anything and she starts to crack. _I don't know._ She looks at me as if I'm crazy. _What.. _She stops and looks around the room angrily, _How can you not know? _

I want to tell her to mind her own business, that she has no right to ask me that, but of course she does. She's my best friend. Lucas Scott's girlfriend. She's bound to be worried and before I can stop it I let out a sob. Instantly she's pulled me into her arms. I push my face into her neck as I try to control the urge to let out all the tears that have been building today. She tightens her arms around me and I'm reminded of Nathan rocking me as he whispered that everything was going to be ok. If only I could believe him. _P. Sawyer, _she says softly, _how can you not know? _I wish I was 11 years old again and this was nothing more that Brooke consoling me when Jimmy didn't want to go out with me. I wish I was still that innocent but I know I can't live in the past and she deserves an answer. _I was protected with both_, her arms tighten further and she begins to rock me slowly, _I'm in such a mess Brooke. I've told Nathan.. I've.. _I try to stop crying, sniffling against her shoulder. _Nathan thinks it's his and what if it isn't? _I pause. _What if this is mine and Lucas's baby? _I feel her tense slightly at the mention of her boyfriend.

I pull myself out of her arms and look her in the eye. _I'm sorry, _I say and I am sorry. I'm sorry that Brooke has been dragged into this ridiculous situation, I'm sorry that I was stupid enough to sleep with two brothers. I'm sorry that I ever even looked at Lucas or Nathan Scott. I look at the floor, almost too ashamed to meet her eye. _Peyton... it'll all be ok_ she says, rubbing my arm. Suddenly I'm angry. _How does she know? _I'm tempted to say something rash, something that'll hurt her, something that'll stop her pitying me but I can't. She's my best friend and I know that she only wants to help me. _What are you going to do? _She says hesitantly, as if afraid of upsetting me more. She wipes away the tears from my cheeks softly. I wish I knew.


End file.
